In this post, rather than following the Substack golden rule of ‘always offer value to your reader’ (which I 100% always do) - I’d like to angrily vent.
Not about the weather. Or Trump. Or even the lack of a nearby Leon.
But about the absolute, maddening amount of time I spent creating my project: Cringémon.
I’m not going to bore you with the process, or give you any lessons learned. I’m just going to present hate-fuelled evidence of the time spent.
I don’t want to exclusively harbour that knowledge anymore, keeping it secret like some sort of time-haemorrhoid.
It’s time to show and tell. And you’re going to sit and listen.
This isn’t a moan. I know there are worse things to be subjected to. Like scabies.
Consider this a bit like IMDb Trivia, but instead of users submitting hidden details, I’m going to scream it into existence.
So sit down. Read. Acknowledge. Then patronisingly comment “well done” like you probably do to your very thick children (the venting has begun - soz.)
What was it? Are you ok?
YES I’M FINE. The project was called Cringémon - a card collection borne out of the simple idea that LinkedIn is not a real place. It’s a world filled with monsters, like Pokémon. So I fused the two concepts and made a trading card series. It’s a fucking good idea. REALLY good. I had to make it.
As you can see from the screenshot above - the project started in 2023 and contains over 3000 files, totalling 52GB of data. That’s roughly the same size as Grand Theft Auto V, The Dark Knight on Blu-ray, or 1/6th of the Epstein files. Topical.
A ball-ache from the beginning
Naming the project alone was enough to have me committed to a mental asylum. Maximum security. Thrown in with the shit-eaters. A one-man performance of Shutter Island taking place entirely inside Adobe Creative Suite (Five stars in The Guardian).
Below is just a snapshot of the swings and roundabouts that happened over several months. I even got legal advice from two different sources because Nintendo™ and LinkedIn™ are both registered trademarks. Parody law is complicated and I acted like a wiener.
The card designs
After many iterations, the cards had 10 changeable elements. Across 53 cards, that’s over 530 pieces I had to develop and refine. Every card also had to feel totally unique and coherent - like a character in a sitcom.
So not only did I create a rod for my own back. The rod was made of mini-rods, each greased with dog turd.
The mini-rods:
For every, single, background, I took a photo of a spreadsheet on my computer. Different angles. Different spreadsheets. Then edited each image in Photoshop - applying gradients and playing with contrast, hue and saturation. The backgrounds alone could pass as a wanky art series about “seeing data in a new light”.
The names. The funnest part, admittedly, was coming up with Pokémon-style names for corporate tossers. Here’s some that didn’t make the cut:
Baldikunt, Daytrayp, SlimeySlime, Motivatizard, Fort Leda, Congratula, Horsepwer, Fartsinbed, Sosmug, FamFam, Haggla, Hartatak, Skibro, Hooligan, Spazz, David.
Fun fact: every card originally had its own licensed font to match the persona. This was entirely scrapped in favour of a single font that offered better coherence. Yayyyy!
The reference numbers. Five digits. Different on each one. A relative walk in the park.
For the faces, I didn’t want to misrepresent anybody. Not even with licensed stock photos. So I used AI to generate fake faces. Stock photos would’ve been 10x quicker, since you can browse them. Instead I hit “generate” and prayed whoever spawned looked like ShitzinFrij. So while AI is the devil in art circles (fair), I’d argue: a) rare acceptable use case, and b) it still took FUCKING AGES.
Question: Have you ever put yourself in 53 fictional people’s shoes and asked, “what would I put as my LinkedIn header image?” I have. That’s how I chose to spend a large portion of my life. (I also licensed and edited the images. All of them).
Every job title is different. They had to be. I made that rule. And abided by it. It’s a bit like deciding to sodomise yourself with the TV remote every morning (which to be clear, I DO NOT DO).
But how many connections does each of these monsters have? It obviously has to feel realistic. FOR ALL 53 OF THEM. Ironically, this project was so time-consuming, my real-life connections probably went down. Friends were lost.
At least the bio was fun - right? GUESS AGAIN. 53 different spiels, condensed into four lines that packed a punch without feeling repetitive. 53 angles satirising LinkedIn culture when there are really only about three in existence. This is why I expanded the project to include office weirdos.
Each card is on version 4 at least. The skills and interests were chopped and changed more times than me trying to [insert funny analogy - I’M TOO ANGRY TO THINK OF ONE].
The Did You Know bits are the punchline on each card - undercutting the ego-fuelled nonsense. They were actually very entertaining to do, it just flowed - ya know? (EXCEPT FOR THE ETERNAL TWEAKING LIKE IT WAS PERFECTION OR DEATH). There is a lesson in there somewhere.
Other stuff that took ages
The tuck box designs THAT WERE NEVER USED:
The Kickstarter Project
Stop reading this right now and look at how much work I put into the Kickstarter project: link here.
I’ll pause whilst you do that…
!!!
Ok now you’ve been patronised, what you won’t have seen were the adverts, pre-launch marketing or multiple versions of the shit-hot video I made in different aspect ratios and durations. I paid a voice-over artist too:
And finally
This post. I also wrote this long and thinly-veiled excuse to show off the level of detail I agonised over. A desperate attempt to get additional recognition. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Lord only knows why I’m still writing this sentence. It really has to end. I’m not sure this venting has helped. Should’ve just gone for a jog or something. Ah well. What’s done is done. Maybe if I just mash the keyboard a bit?
oidjfs0-92r-09u e0 casjo o dwd w;3efd.
Nope. That did nothing.
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